There’s been a common theme in TV and movies for years where the dad is a bumbling idiot. From Homer in The Simpsons to Phil in Modern Family, Peter Griffin in Family Guy or Al Bundy in Married With Children, you get the impression that dads are essentially just another one of the kids mom needs to parent.
In fact, a researcher analyzed more than 2000 media portrayals of men and found over 75% of all representations portrayed them as “villains, aggressors, perverts, and philanderers”. And even when you get a solid portrayal of a dad on TV like Bill Cosby of The Cosby Show, he winds up outdoing the negative stereotype in real life.
Yet the difference real dads make in homes across Canada by being present and active in their kids lives is undeniable. The difference Christian dads make who also teach and model love for Jesus is nothing short of transformative and revolutionary.
FATHERHOOD BY THE NUMBERS
Statistically, if a father is present at home his children are twice as likely to go to college, 80% less likely to spend time in jail, and 75% less likely to experience teen pregnancy. Father-absent homes, on the other hand, account for 71% of high school dropouts and 90% of homeless and runaway children.
A Swiss study concluded that whether faith would be carried through to the next generation came down to one overwhelming and critical factor: It is the faith practice of the father of the family that, above all, determines the future attendance at or absence from church of the children.
In her book, The Toxic War on Masculinity, Dr. Nancy Pearcey interacts with empirical studies that reveal who the most loving husbands and engaged dads in America are. They found that men who identify as theologically conservative Christians divide into two distinct groups—and these groups diverge dramatically. One consists of those who are devout in their faith, defined as those who attend church at least three times a month. These men shatter the negative stereotypes that are out there about conservative, evangelical men; you know, the patriarchy! It turns out that they are the most loving to their wives and more emotionally engaged with their children than any other group of dads in America. They are the least likely to divorce, and they have the lowest levels of domestic abuse and violence. The research also showed that their wives report the highest levels of happiness in marriage.
The other group that identify as theologically conservative Christians, however, test out with far different results. “Nominals” are defined as those who identify with a religious tradition because of their family or cultural background but who attend church sporadically, if at all. Nominal means “in name only”. Studies find that nominal Christian family men do fit the negative stereotypes—shockingly so. They spend less time with their children, either in discipline or shared activities. Their wives report significantly lower levels of happiness. And their marriages are far less stable. Whereas active evangelical men are 35% less likely to divorce than secular men, nominals are 20% more likely to divorce than secular men. And whereas committed churchgoing couples report the lowest rate of violence of any group, nominals report the highest rate of violence of any group—even higher than secular couples.
Brad Wilcox, the lead sociologist conducting the study concluded, “The most violent husbands in America are nominal evangelical Protestants who attend church infrequently or not at all.” And while that is truly horrifying, said the other way is encouraging indeed: The most loving and committed husbands and most engaged fathers are committed evangelical Christian men.
The most loving and committed husbands
and most engaged fathers are
committed evangelical Christian men.
THE DADS WE NEED
Dads, here’s the big takeaway from the data: Love Jesus and love your wife. Love Jesus more than anything and love your wife more than anybody on the planet. With that foundation, it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that the whole parenting thing will fall into place. So follow Jesus, go to church, pursue your wife, and work on your marriage.
When the Apostle Paul instructs fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord he’s addressing a negative tendency in dads and pointing them to a better way (Ephesians 6:4). To provoke your child to anger is to consistently parent in such a way that raises frustrated, angry, resentful kids. Dads can do this by making a pattern of being overly critical about everything on the one hand, or disengaged about everything on the other, or by being routinely harsh and rarely tender.
Instead, bring them up in discipline and instruction. Discipline has to do with rules, parameters, and enforcing boundaries. Kids need these. And they need dad to be consistent and predictable in laying down good and smart rules and sticking with them. In fact, Hebrews 12:6 tells us that the Lord disciplines the one he loves…for our good. Instruction has to do with counselling, dialoguing, reasoning, and persuading. Yes, your kids need rules but they also need to know why. You’re training your kids for life so make a case for moral goods and speak to their hearts. Behaviour flows from the heart.
“Train up a child in the way he should go
—but be sure you go that way yourself.”
Charles Spurgeon
Dads, your kids are listening to you and watching you attentively. So teach by both telling and modelling to them the way they should go.
THE GOSPEL DAD
No dad is going to do all this perfectly. Every dad will provoke their children to anger, not be consistent with discipline and instruction, and not model a life worth emulating at some point. And that is why the end of the verse is so important. It calls us to parent in the Lord. In other words, give them Jesus and rely on Jesus as you parent.
Tell your kids the gospel but also teach your kids the gospel by modelling it; seeing you love the gospel and need the gospel. Prioritize Jesus in your own life and when you fail, show them what it looks like to repent and receive grace.
The way the Parable of the Prodigal Son ends (Luke 15) is so instructive for us dads. Jesus says, “While [the prodigal son] was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embrace him and kissed him” and then goes on to throw a party for him. Here’s what he doesn’t do: Sit on his rocking chair on the front porch waiting for his son to grovel at his feet and proceed to throw down discipline at him and blast him for neglecting his instruction. No, in that moment of his son’s deepest vulnerability and shame, he displayed the gospel to him.
And the only way you can be a father like that is if you have encountered our Heavenly Father like that yourself.
Religion: “I messed up. Dad’s gonna kill me.”
Gospel: “I messed up. I need to call dad.”
Jeremy Rose
We need present, active, affectionate fathers. We need fathers who love Jesus deeply and love their wives tenderly and sacrificially. We need fathers committed to raising kids in the Lord. And when we fail, we have an opportunity to show them how good the gospel really is.
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